ok its been a while. But w/e. Not much to say anymore. I cant win with anything or anyone....my past will always haunt me and i do nothing but suffer from it. I really want to go back to school and change my major from phys ed to marine biology. I dont care what anyone tells me either. I dont care if i can't find a job in that field....fuck you for putting me down any how. Im so sorry that all your lives are planned out and go exactly as planned.....i thought mine was planned out to...but nothing went according to plan...if it did....id be playing softball with jd, and boz in Nc and id still be in school, and having fun...and experiencing the whole normal college deal. but nope...i work full time to live pay check to check...wondering when that damn opportunity is going to come knock or if im ever going to get up and go back to school. And you know what...this all falls back on the student loans and fucking fasfa form. They said my rents made to much money for them to share the wealth...well if my rents are so god damn wealthy...where's my fucking mansion...and lincoln navi....and my own condo with my own car. FUCK

i just give up...oh and by the way....im pretty sure im like bi polar or soemthing. Sharpie's right I GET MAD AT EVERYHTING...even like if i walk in to soemthing...i get pissed off. i think ive had it my whole life too...cuz when i was little and i would get yelled at...i would throw myself onto the ground repeatedly, intentionally doing it becuase i was mad and felt the need to inflict physical pain on myself...what the fuck is wrong me. I knew it was a matter of time. My moms a drunk, my dads needs anger management who likes to fake his own suicide, my brother is a drug addict, who smokes, and drinks, and can't hold a job...and im sitting here thinking im bi-fucking-polar. I guess i will never know. Or you know what...i could be a hypochondriac. to...but that doesn't explain why i get mad all time....does it....no. and if i really truly have such a disorder...maybe people should try to understand that its not my fault and i dont wanna fucking be mad all the time. so piss off. I cant help it. I really cant help it ok.

so what elese in my life. yep thats it. im just stuck in not happy year....idk. nothing ever makes me happy any more...and its all my fault cuz i treat everyone like dirt becuase i have not succeeded in any of my goals since i graduated...and dont call me lazy...becuase i work full time ...sometimes 6 straight days and then im taking care of puppies or scuba diving.

oh and so my dad walks in on me and decides to read  my junk and makes comments fuck that

i wanna live a life in solitude....boring, dull, dumb, lonely, sad, depressing...yep.

THIS IS MOTHER FUCKIN BULL SHIT.

I hate this god damn fucking world and everything in and...

and you know what i really dont give a flying fuck if i got hit by a car tomorrow..shit dont wait...do it now.
This life is a huge fucking joke...and so is work...why do we fucking work any how...its stupid and pointless....the fucking cave people...only did shie for themselves to benefit themselves.....so why the fuck do i gotta deal with other peoples fucking problems and do their shit for them......so i get paid SHIT TO LIVE ON....HUH

FUCK AMERICA....id be better off poor in cambodia and diseased with aids...i can not believe that anyone would think to come here...we are fucking slaves to our own jobs...oh and you know im going sexist with this.. You know a girl cant get know where in life unless she sucking a cock under the desk or kissing another girl for her boss....fuck that....why dont you pig headed men grab your own dick and shove in the next male ass hole you find.

oh and by the way...if you mother fuckers find my check book...give it the fuck back...and no you gettin no reward...for all i know your the bitches that took that shit.

well i guess i gotta go drop 160 outta my account for bullshit reason cuz i dont got a check book to WRITE A GOD DAMN FUCKING CHECK....jesus fucking christ....why do i always lose dumb ass shit...the god damn thin is prolly laying some place stupid.

i hate me....and i know you hate me to

i never make anyone happy anymore....not even you. so their... i hope one day my insides go numb...cuz there just melting away and it hurts so bad...i feel like im being stabbed in my heart and lungs and stomach over and over again....and i dont even care.

The feelings left in the dark.
All that wasn't coming to the surface.
The soft emotion i was not showing...
that everbody thought i didn't have.

No one ever looked deep enough
No one every stayed long enough
No one ever took the time to pull it from me
Someone onetime changed that.

Made me wanna cry...
and now that im still left speechless
By your beauty,
your smile
that luagh
your touch.

I wanna tell you i love you,
show you i love...
in a way that i cannot ever fathom.

The truest love
the most meaningfull love
left untouched
for that someone
someone who is knows how to touch you...
in all the right places
in all the right ways
who knows how to do
and what to say.

I want you to know that
i wanna cry...
 when i see you
when im with you
when im thinking about you
when im dreaming about you.

So that i have you now
I had you then
but didn't know it
is this till the end...
becuase this is something...
even i cant pretend

S soft
H hot
A affectionate
R radient
P passionate
I intelligent
E ellegant

thats you in 7 perfect words
and you permantly in one word.

To the world you may be one person
But to one person you may be the world.

The greates gift that i can give is
is something that you pulled from deep within
and you have it now, and will have it for ever
...my love.

oh hey guys just needed to vetn a little bit.

Ive had a bad week. Monday night was horrendous, tuesday was just purely nervey and emotional from monday. wed and thurs were ok...sorta....

well ok. MY MOM HAS BEEN DRUNK SINCE monday. Today is the absolute worst. SHe stole  5 bottles of wine from her parents house...is back to the same nasty usual shit. She did drive her car with no license until we got the keys from her. i carted my bro's ass around today for his court things...and i got my new license since i lost the old one. Lost as in misplaced...not revoked.

I was called into work and said no becuase things are bad enough at home....i had to once again baby sit my own mom.....and yea  wanna curl myself into a corner becuase my sharpie is mad at me and hates me...cuz i didnt come into work and didn't call me on break...so i fucking hate myself to....im sorry my life is soooooooo fucking great .

i just need time off of work and time away from everybody.............but that is just to much for people to understand.

im sorry

im sorry i didn't come into work today. i just wasnt feeling ok....

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

...

yep. i had some internet time at the g-rents.

after discussing the possibility of me buying an 800 doller camaro.
LIFE FUCKING SUCKS.

im not gonna butter it up no more. im not gonna lie to myself anymore. i just wanna fucking curl up and die. I have only one beautiful bright spot in my life...my sharpie....hopefully the love of my life....dont tell me im to young for that shit either...you feel what you fucking feel and you cant control it no matter who you are.

so anyhow the thing that set me over the edge...to top off everything. my mom is drunk and has been drunk for the past 2 days... but that is not what did it for me

i have a 1995 camaro v6 3.4 ltr white with red and black interior...which everyone knows is my like prze possession. My dream car is a camaro iroc z 28 t-top blue with white racing stripes and white leather interior.....this is an older car...so finding one in a decent condition worth buying is hard to find. they are either a piece of junk or are already some one elses prize possession.

so then i find out my uncle has a 97 30th anniversary ss camaro...with fucking t-tops. Its done up...has a sound system, head unit, subs, 6 new speakers, new after market rotars, low pro tires, painted calipers, white rims, the car is white with orange racing stripes and white leather interior....and i made it known to my uncle and my parents and my grandparents that i wanted the car and that i was serious about it. BECUASE MY UNCLE KEEPS HIS CARS FOR LIKE 6 months and thens sells them....so i knew my turn was coming...i could own a sweet bad ass car....and that time came. and i found out today that the car was offered to me first at $8,500. ok that is not bad for a 30th anniversary special edition car...my g-mom passes the word along to my mom the the car is for sale and i have FIRST DIBS....how do you like that shit...FIRST IN LINE BITCHES FOR A CAR TO STOMP YOUR ASS WITH...but here is what ticked me off....

my g-mom told my mom...when she was drunk so she took it upon herself to say i didn't want it.....

now i hate my life....i was so fucking close. im not rich, im not wealthy, im hanging on to standard middle class...but maybe im falling for the poor class. I HATE MY MOM...FOR WHAT SHE JUST DID TO ME.

it seems like the only way im going to get my dream car is to act like my brother....because he always gets what he wants with cars...but im left with what i have..and everytime i ask...its NO THAT CAR IS A PIECE OF JUNK......as we are on the ROAD DRIVING BY IT....

FUCK YOU, FUCK HIM, FUCK HER< FUCK ALCOHOL, FUCK LIFE...i dont wanna be on this sorry ass pathetic earth when all we do is talk about how we want to live our dream....WHAT FUCKING DREAM....we live in hell and are slaves at our own low paying jobs....no one gives a flying fuck about you...and if they did...or if they do its that one person people seldom see right in front of their own blind ass face...shit i might have even been left lonely if my sharpie didn't force it out of me.

i dont care,  i dont care and i dont care

you know what..im glad i got kicked out of the football game....im glad that cop grabbed me by the arm, im glad he escorted me out and didn't even ask my side of the story, im glad he saw what i didn't and didn't even ask what provoked me to do that...im glad AMERICA ONLY CARES FOR HALF...im glad we have troops in iraq fighting for our lazy fats asses who would rather sit and watch tv than go play sports ...but you know what.

we are so busy trying to get us americans healthy that i think we should show them how much we car by taking SOFTBALL out of the olympics....fuck yall.

by the way who ever made the saying stick and stone may brake my bones but names will never hurt me...is a complete fucking moron who had no emotion...becuase names do hurt.

so good day...i gave up on softball, im giving up on the whole lets get an iroc z and get it looking your way....

im done...i hope you see me on the side of the street with no shoes, dirty as ever with a sign saying "will work for food"....because that is how much i now care...and you knopw what....i hope i become so fucking fat that it is detrimental to my health....look i just used the word detrimental....

shit....i guess that is like th eword the and i guess i should do to my rhetorical skills...at bccc....cuz im fucking stupid and dont know what a verb or a noun is....what about a pronoun or a conjuction....fuck this shit.

asjlkfhsdkufasdadfhgkl;haldgh.